An interesting phenomenon is currently happening in this house---sex. Okay, okay, you got me, the sex is neither interesting or really a phenomenon, but "how" it is happening is under some scrutiny. I was under the impression men liked quickies. Not only liked them, but appreciated the motivation behind one---a means to get laid without all the pomp and circumstance of extended foreplay, romance and the like. Admittedly, I was once not a fan of the quickie because I felt cheated out of the above mentioned. I felt like a hole just waiting to be drilled. Now I've come to appreciate the quickie and the rush that often accompanies it. Well guess what? The master of this house isn't quite on board anymore.Case in point. The other day Matt came home from work early giving us a small window of opportunity before the kids came home from school. Granted, I was acutely aware of the time but the point of a quickie is well to be quick. After the deed was done, (in record time, mind you), I was informed romance was sorely missing from the equation. "I mean really Sarah do you think we could have sex like they do in one of the Cialis commercials with waterfalls in the background?" After taking an inventory of our bedroom and pointing out the obvious that a waterfall would look ridiculous, I told Matt to stop being a girl. It was a QUICKIE! How many wives give it up on weekday at 2:30 in the afternoon readily? (readily being the key word).
It's true what they say: you can't win for trying. A couple of years ago I was accused of not being spontaneous enough now I'm being accused of fucking on the go. I suppose it's time to go back to the drawing board and try to find a balance between Cialis-like sex, (minus the 3 hour boner) and three rubs and you're out. Then again, maybe it's the "location" of our quickies, ie the 4 walls of our bedroom, (and occasional romp on the living room floor), that is leaving Matt feeling dirty and used. Thank god I was recently referred to a list of "8 Locations for a Quickie" courtesy of Askmen.com (plus they give recommendations of the best position to use---got to love that).
1---Love In An Elevator (Livin' it up when I'm goin' down). While highly recommended by the staff at Askmen.com, it was noted that success really lies in stalling the elevator for a short time, (so long as Homeland Security doesn't invade) and once climax is almost achieved, starting the elevator up again. Aerosmith playing in the background completely optionally.
Recommended Position: "Upright wheelbarrow (with her facing the wall, hold her up by her thighs, placing them on either side of your hips, while she holds on to the wall)." In layman's terms, spread em' and assume the position.
2---Lights, Camera, Suck Em'. I just don't see how fucking or even giving oral sex in a movie theater is possible anymore. A lot of theaters are designed almost in the round and it is damn near impossible to find an unoccupied row, (at least here in the burbs. It probably has something to do with the fact there isn't anything else to do out here other than go to the movies).
Recommended Position: "(Besides on her knees) Her sitting on top of you, facing the screen." Right. Like a 39 year old woman sitting on a 38 year old man's lap looks completely normal.
3---In the Back. No this isn't a euphemism for anal, but as in the back of a "club or restaurant." First recommendation, don't do this in Wheaton. You will undoubtedly burst into flames and/or serve really hard time in our local prison. And of course, as noted in the article, make sure you get your screw on where it is the darkest.
Recommended Position: "Standing, upright doggy." (howling optional).
4---Stairway to Heaven. Here we go again with the stairs---more specifically, a stairwell.
Recommended Position: "Missionary, with her back arched over a stair." Too bad my back doesn't do arch.
5---Driving Miss Daisy. The article concedes the car isn't the most "original" place but still can provide "memorable" moments. Yeah, I get all kinds of wet with booster seats and Dora the Explorer books strewn all over the back seat of my Jeep.
Recommended Position: "Logistics require missionary or her on top." Beep beep.
6---Jack the Ripper. Okay, not that gruesome, but the locale being recommended to fuck is indeed an alley. We don't have "those" in the suburbs and while Chicago has an abundance, the signs warning against rats would definitely dry my cooter up.
Recommended Position: "Standing up, with one leg wrapped around [the guy]." Good times.
7---That's What She Said. Nothing like fucking at the office especially on a copy machine or pressed up against a filing cabinet. Completely worth the risk of being fired....
Recommended Position: "Her back against the wall, and her legs wrapped around [the guy's] waist. Go ahead and yell "Post It Note" when reaching climax.
8---How Many Items? I have 3 items to try on and if you don't mind, I am going to bone my dude while watching myself in the 3-way mirror. I don't know, there's just too much bad lighting in a dressing room for me when just trying on clothes so the thought of seeing cock, balls and possibly tits from three different angles sounds like a house of horrors.
Recommended Position: "Standing doggy." My mother would be so proud.
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